TTC Hot Topic – Telling Others

Have you told other people you’re trying to conceive? If so, who, how, when, and why? If not, why?

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

NancyG April 20, 2014 at 3:12 pm

I don’t think dh has told anyone. I have told my best friend and some friends online. We suffer from male infertility so it may take us time to conceive another child and we just don’t want to field all those questions for months and months.

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Yael April 20, 2014 at 9:12 pm

In the beginning, it was sort of given that we are ttc’ing, and we didn’t feel any need to share that with anyone. I spoke to just my mom. As it got more frustrating, 6 + months, dh told a few friends and got the old “just relax,” and “it took us a while too.”

When we started treatments, I spoke with a friend who was also experiencing infertility but had been at it a lot longer.

Now I only talk about it with friends I feel comfortable with. It should be obvious to anyone with a half a brain, that we want a child.

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Tami April 21, 2014 at 9:29 am

We never told anyone we were ttc. I got pregnant just before we got married and had a miscarriage so everyone knew we had tried. When our first daughter came along, we heard lots of “don’t you have enough yet” comments, because we each had 2 from previous relationships. After she was born, we knew right away we’d want another baby soon so they could grow up together. We ttc again as soon as my body was ready. Patti was 10 months old when I got pregnant again. We didn’t tell anyone until after the first ultrasound.

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CodeNameMom May 2, 2014 at 1:15 am

The first time around it became more and more obvious to others. The “why” is because people would ask “so when are you having a baby” and we finally ran out of answers so we would say “as soon as we get pregnant” just to shut them up. then I miscarried and it became obvious we had tried and luckily got our daughter quickly after that.

We started ttc again when our daughter was 6 months old and are still trying. At first we kept it quiet but again it started leaking out when people would ask “so when is #2 coming” and we started running out of answers! Now we just tell people that we don’t have control over that department so they need to consult with God for an answer. It shuts them up. I mean when you have been going at it for over a year you get tired of the questions and want to know the answer yourself!

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susue May 3, 2014 at 3:15 pm

We recently had a full term loss, so people felt the door was wide open to ask us when we would try again. I guess they assume that will be the “cure” for our grief. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, we are expecting again and still miss our daughter just as much.

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Sarah May 4, 2014 at 11:41 am

My DH and I let it slip that we were ttc, but after a year of trying with no luck I tried to keep quiet about it because so many people felt the need to give such advice as “just relax”, “stop trying so hard”, “it will come when it comes”. While having a stress free environment is desirable, the so called “helpful” advice only made me more anxious and unsure of what to do. So, alas, I just won’t talk to anyone who isn’t in the same situation…

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Anonymous May 20, 2014 at 3:46 pm

Our close friends know, a couple of which are trying themselves. We kept it a secret when we first started trying, back in September, got pregnant right away but miscarried the end of November. I thought I would want to keep it a secret but I really needed to lean on my friends for support, so I ended up telling them about everything.

We decided this time around we would just be open about it from the beginning. A very close friend of mine had been going through the same situation, just a couple months ahead of me. Now we are both ttc and are able to talk about it to each other and truly relate. But not everyone is that lucky so these posts are a great way to vent.

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Anonymous May 22, 2014 at 5:18 pm

Deciding when to tell people that you are pregnant is one of the first decisions that a couple will make as parents. When people (family or not) demand to know details, they are disrespecting the couple as not only adults, but as parents. It only forebodes for further issues for control later on in the child’s upbringing. Especially when dealing with parents and inlaws. Right from the start the couple needs to set the rules and boundaries straight: That they are adults and parents and are capable of making their own decisions. Family especially needs to know that it is not their ‘right’ to know everything happening in the pregnancy, but a gift that the couple allows them to be in on.

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Anonymous May 24, 2014 at 1:29 pm

I TOTALLY know what you mean. I can’t get over the comments people have the nerve to say, even people I’m not even close to, such as “Wow. You’ve been married a year and a half and you STILL don’t have any kids? You’re late!” OR “What are you two waiting for?” TTC has been emotionally pressing for us (mostly for me), so when I try to reply to people’s comments with something witty (like your ideas), I almost get choked up and nothing comes out. All I can manage is a shoulder shrug. I like the lines you give to people, and I’m going to try that to shut people up. TTC is pressure enough!

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R.A. June 4, 2014 at 8:20 am

We haven’t told anyone because we are trying for number 4 and we are afraid everyone will think we are insane. We won’t tell until after our first ultrasound or I start showing, whichever comes first.

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anonymous June 6, 2014 at 4:34 am

We have 3 beautiful kids and after the birth of our 3rd (which was actually my 6th pregnancy) we decided on a tubal. I now have a new doctor that explained to me exactly what was going on all those years and it wasn’t me!!! So, we decided to have a tubal reversal. We always wanted a big family and our kids are wonderful!! We are TTC now post reversal, but other than my parents and my 2 best friends, NO ONE even knows that I had the tubal reversal. Many of our family members were very upset when we became pregnant with our youngest… and we didn’t tell anyone then until I was 6 months along and couldn’t hide it anymore!! When we are blessed with another pregnancy I won’t tell anyone until probably 6 months again…. It’s just easier this way!! Good luck to everyone that is TTC!! My prayers are with you!!

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anonymous June 10, 2014 at 3:22 pm

We’ve been ttc for months. We’ve told some family and close friends. Now we are wishing we hadn’t. Everyone’s “good advice” is getting old!! I would tell people NOt to tell others! We are now going through all the fertility tests, we are 35 and DH 39.

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anonymous June 10, 2014 at 6:18 pm

ughhh… We are just ttcing for the first time. We’ve been married for 5 years now so we waited awhile and we were getting a lot of questions and prodding from well meaning friends and family. I didn’t mind that so much, but once we decided to ttc I made the huge mistake of telling quite a few people at my work. I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s just my nature to tell people what’s on my mind. I am already regretting it. I have no idea whether this will be easy and quick or drawn out and difficult for us. If we have to wait a while and deal with possible issues I’m not going to want to talk about it… and now of course there is no “undo” button I can push. phooey.

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anonymous June 11, 2014 at 1:46 pm

DH and I have been trying for two months now and I have told some of the girls at work. There are a handful of us either trying or already pregnant so it is nice to have support and go through things together. As strange as it sounds, I have not and will not tell my mom. She is a very negative person and I really don’t want a lecture or for her to bring me down. When I told her that we were having a boy the first time around her response was “Oh no! What am I going to do with a boy” Her responses should have been “Great, my first grandchild!” But no, she only thinks of herself and how things will affect her. In her twisted way she would blame me for her not being able to move to Arizona because I went and had another grandchild and she doesn’t want to miss it growing up.

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anonymous June 14, 2014 at 7:10 am

My partner and I have been trying to conceive for the last year and in that time I have had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic. We were trying to keep it a secret but when I was hospitalised for the ectopic word spread and quick. We have tried to squash it by saying it was an accident, as we don’t want anyone to know about us ttc or the pregnancy until I have to tell people when the excuse I’m just putting on weight won’t work anymore. I have a bicorneate uterus as well which makes me a high risk pregnancy, so I don’t want to tell because then they get in my face with well meaning advice that will just upset me

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anonymous June 16, 2014 at 2:25 am

Don’t expect anyone else to understand your personal situation because most people cannot get to it. Though we tell others because we want the support, true affirmation comes from your inner strength and the strength of the bond between the couple (in this case). Ultimately, those who are supportive are those who will stay close to us. What a strange pressure to have coming from such a beautiful and natural event!

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anonymous June 16, 2014 at 3:26 pm

Only our families know about this. I’m 37 and he’s 50. I don’t want the whole “You’ll give birth to defective retards” which has been said to me for still being childless at my age. I don’t want the whole “Your baby will be 20 when your DH is 70.” Or being yelled at for not having babies when I was in my twenties, etc. People can be so vicious.

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anonymous June 20, 2014 at 10:58 am

My DH and I have been ttc for 3 months now. We’ve only told two friends. We’re young (both 23), so hopefully it won’t take too long. I really want to be pregnant before Christmas. I can’t imagine how it would be if we’d told family and friends. It’s funny how people have such a compulsion to give advice. It is awkward when people ask or make commentary about how it’s “our turn.” Frankly, they don’t get to decide whose turn it is when.

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anonymous June 20, 2014 at 3:29 pm

We’ve been ttc for 7 months now with no success. Only 2 of my good friends know. I think my mother suspects it but would never ask me. I feel that there is enough stress on myself and DH to conceive as it is, and if our families knew we were trying that would add to it. Also it would make me feel as though I need to explain myself each month which would be annoying and upsetting. We were recently referred to a fertility specialist and honestly if results come to us that we don’t want to hear we may never tell his family. I would probably at that point share it with my mother and sister though. His family would tell everyone private information and it’s not their business.

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anonymous June 20, 2014 at 10:28 pm

I told my best friend because I’ve wanted kids for so very long and she’s been there for me through all of it. I also told my mom, but only because when we DO get pregnant she would get so upset if I hadn’t told her we were trying and guilt me about it forever. I just hope I don’t miscarry because knowing my mom, she’ll just make it so much worse.

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anonymous June 21, 2014 at 8:12 am

My dh and I have been trying for 8 months. At first we didn’t tell anyone, then he started letting it out to anyone who asks. Now couples who got pregnant on the first try are giving us advice. They have no idea how hard it is to want a baby and not have one yet. I’ve recently asked my dh to stop telling anyone. Whenever someone asks me about it I burst into tears. We just want a baby more than anything right now. It is very hard when it doesn’t happen to you but it happens to everyone around you.

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anonymous June 21, 2014 at 7:27 pm

My husband and I have been married 3 months and really want to start TTC. We’re also young – both 23, but we have stable jobs, a nice place to live, etc. and have been together since high school. His mother, however, seems to think that we need to wait until our 30s to have kids because she did and has proceeded to tell his entire family that we will not be having children for quite some time. This makes me really leary of telling her at all, as I know she will not be supportive of the pregnancy when it happens.

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anonymous June 22, 2014 at 12:17 pm

My hubby and I have been TTC almost a year now. No luck. Haven’t gotten pregnant yet. My best friend knows that we’re trying, which is hard because she’s been pregnant twice in the time that we’ve been trying for one baby. We also have another friend who got his girlfriend pregnant and he was disappointed about it. So I told him that we’ve been trying for so long and to count his blessings. It makes me mad when people who don’t want a baby get pregnant and we want it and it doesn’t happen. I also told my grandma, but that’s about it…

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anonymous June 23, 2014 at 1:22 am

My husband and I have just started trying to conceive and it’s already becoming the only thing on my mind. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and now we are going to try and make her a big sister. We have told our parents and so far, they have been supportive, my mother the most. I feel like I can talk to her about everything and it’s helped me stay on top of things. I know it is something that will take some time and isn’t going to happen over night, but it would be nice!

I haven’t told the girls at work yet because they aren’t very understanding. One of them thinks that you shouldn’t ever have children and the other is a little unstable at times, to say the least. To top it off, once I do get pregnant and get close to my due date, I am not going to work anymore. I feel like if I tell them I am going to catch a lot of grief. It isn’t anything personal, it is just a choice we have made. I just don’t look forward to having to tell them.

Hopefully within the next few months, things will be looking better and we will be expecting!

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